I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
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I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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