the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
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I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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