In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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