Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
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I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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