tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
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was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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