I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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