dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
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all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
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No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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