If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize