I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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