I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
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You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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