Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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