my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
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Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize