don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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