my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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