I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
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I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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