Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
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Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
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I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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