she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize