I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
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He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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