Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
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Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize