I looked at my own cervix.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
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And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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