You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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