my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
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