God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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