I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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