Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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