Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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