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Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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