I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
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Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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