i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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