dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
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The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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