i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I FOUND THE LEGS
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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