She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
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You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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