you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
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No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
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In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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