How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
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This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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Can vaginas get frostbite?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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