Soap is not a condiment
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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