her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
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Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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