So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She told me I should be a condom model.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Drunk is not a location!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize