Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Holy shit dude........stairs
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