I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
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why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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