WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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