you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
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Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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