he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
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I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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