you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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