Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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