I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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