My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
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Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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