He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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