We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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