The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
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I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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