I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize